The End of Megace!

Yep, still haven't found that box of gauze & surgical tape. Tried using some regular surgical tape, but the same reaction occurred that I get when I use regular band aid's. Basically it rips my skin apart. So I made do with other means.

The megace has come to an end! Hallelujah; High Praise; Happy Dance

I truly did not think I was going to make it for the last 2 months. More than once I thought & vocalized my desire to just stop the treatment and deal with whatever came of it. I have a great support system that talked me thru it and kept me on track. Although I am sure it was just as hard for them to keep supporting me as it was for me to stay on it.

I was so desperate to get the megace out of my system that I looked up the 1/2 life of megace and flushed with plenty of fluids. In case you ever need to know, the 1/2 life of megace is 34 hours.
So as of today I am 4 full days off the junk.

4 days off...here's my report:
Attitude is still suffering some.
Body is still exhausted
Still fighting for breath and strength
Weight has kept climbing.
I don't feel the need to eat non stop


Spoke to the dr's office the other day & the report just gets better & better. I was of the understanding that once I came off, I would have a cycle and bleed for an undetermined amount of time. Come to find out, being off the megace is similar to being on...they don't know what's going to happen. You may bleed, you may not. It may be horrible, it may be nothing.  Uncomprehendable to me, but it's the only answer I get.  D&C will be sometime in May and hopefully from there we will have some more definitive answers. 8 months of hurry up & wait.

So while I am struggling and packing on the pounds my dear significant other continues to drop the weight. Clothes no longer fit him so we are having to go out and buy a new wardrobe. I hope that my weight comes off and that I have to buy a new wardrobe too. I've had to buy a new "FAT" wardrobe. It mainly consists of skirts and tank tops. Can't stand anything around my waist.

Spring will be here this weekend!
Easter next weekend!
Things are looking up. I have always loved the Spring season. A time of growth & rebirth. I am happy  to have had the megace end in time for SPRING!

xoxo

Almost There

1 week tomorrow...that's the goal date..the end of the megace.

March 14th I have you in my sights!

For the first time in the last six months, I finally felt cold the other day. Rather than ripping clothes off and walking around in a tank top in 6 degree weather. It was such a wonderful feeling. The bummer of it is, we are in March, everyone is gearing up for spring. Taking their coats off, changing to lighter clothing. Me, someone who was so hot thru the whole winter, feels like winter is just beginning.

Another complication of the megace has been a flare up of my hidranitis. My best guess is the fluctuation of hormones is what is causing the hidranitis to flare. I just want to scream, enough is enough!

Today, in a fit to try and organize things, I cleaned the bathroom closet and tried to organize things. Apparently I did a terrific job. I am now in need of some gauze & surgical tape. While I clearly remember putting the surgical tape in a box with the gauze, I can't seem to find that box. I found a whole other box of gauze, but there is no tape in there. :)

Keeping it Close

I've always been a solitary fighter. Holding things close to the chest and now allowing other people in to help fight the battle.
 Why? I am not really sure. Could be the result of being raised an only child, yes I have siblings but they were raised separately. Could be the result of tragedies in an early life that taught me there are not many you can trust. Could come from having an alcoholic parent & the let downs associated with that.
What does any of that matter? It doesn't matter what the reasons are, the end result is that I am who I am. I fight how I fight. I learned independence early on and I've clung to it.

Infertility is not really a solitary battle. It is a battle that the couple trying to conceive takes on. It is not an easy battle and yet it is one not openly or easily shared either. Even communication amongst the infertile couple can at times be challenging. Your fighting a battle that doesn't have a reason, a rhyme or an answer. More than 1/2 of infertile couples will hear the words uttered "Undetermined Infertility" and nothing more we can do for you.
Roughly 1/3 of couples will be told that they just need to relax. Let me tell you relaxing is so much easier to prescribe than to do.
Many other infertile couples will not share their journey with their closest loved ones because they feel in some way they are disappointing their loved ones.
It's a long, drawn out process to find answers. Sometimes testing takes months or longer. When someone knows you are dealing with infertility it tends to define you and that is all they can think to ask about. As the infertile couple, that can be frustrating having it constantly reminded to you that you are fighting a battle. But you have to take it with a grain of salt and know that their intentions come with goodness and concern.

What other battles do I try to fight solitary? My depression and my struggles with those who disappoint me. In the end, my fight is not solitary. I crack and give in to the help offered to me all along, but it's a battle.

What advice can I offer you? Be aware that help is there for you, that people are willing to support you. Acknowledge their love for you and your appreciation for them supporting you. If it gets to be too much, learn to speak up. You don't have to spill the beans and tell them all of your struggles but simply say,  "that's a tough subject  for me to discuss but I appreciate your concern."   If they love you & want to support you, they will understand and will continue to be your strength.

Here's something I read on BOOK OF FACES that I want to write up for the house.
If you FAIL, never give up because F-A-I-L means "First Attempt In Learning"

END is not the end. In fact E-N-D means "Effort Never Dies" 

If you get NO as answer, remember N-O means "Next Opportunity"

Be Positive in 2016! 

How Blessed!

How blessed am I to have such an amazing chosen family, friends and just wonderful people in my life. It is January 4, 2016. As I prepare to start my gratitude jar for 2016, I can't help but be overwhelmed by all of the goodness and blessings in my life. The latter half of 2015 was a struggle for me and I am sure will continue over into parts of 2016, but in this moment, I am floating on a cloud of love, gratitude, happiness and sheer joy. Such an amazing feeling to experience. Such an amazing thing to ponder and realize that this life, the one we are in right now, is one that we've chosen for ourselves. We've designed our chosen family and our friends. They will lift us up when we need it most and we will do the same for them. Filled with Thankfulness on this Monday. xoxoxo

My Megace Adventure

I'm going to take you on a little adventure. It's called the adventure of megace. Megace can be your lifesaver but at the same time it can be your worse enemy. Two simple little white pills. Pop 2 in the AM, pop 2 in the PM. That's it. That's all it takes to join this fun adventure. Megace is prescribed for many, many reasons. An appetite stimulant in those with challenges such as maintaining weight, no appetite, cancer, etc. It can be prescribed to combat endometrial dysplasia or cancers of the lady parts. I am sure it has many other uses as well. Here's where my adventure begins. Here are my side effects of megace and when all is said and done, why I will never take it again. I will consider a hysterectomy over megace. I am 3 months into my story on megace. Everyday is a struggle, a challenge. Remember I said, it's simply 2 little white pills in the AM and 2 in the PM..so that's not too much of a struggle. The struggle comes from the personality change, the horrible mood swings, the hot flashes, the night sweats, the anxiety, the constant need to have something food related in your mouth, not being able to get enough to drink, the weight gain, the having to get up in the middle of the night to pee and occasionally change your clothes because you are soaked. And those are just the big ticket items. The smaller items include breaking a crown from having to constantly be chewing on something, lack of sex drive-I mean zero, nada, nilch, the general overall feeling of demise, blah and ugh. Everyday when I swallow those simple 2 little white pills, I have to remind myself of the end goal, that I can get thru this. My health is at stake, my ability to have children is at stake. I have come too far on my infertility journey to stop now and just give up. 3 months ladies and gents. 1/2 way there yet still a long 3 months to go.

escape

On days when I can't seem to escape my own mind, It is on those days that I realize how much I need the noise, The noise to distract the thoughts that seek to invade me, Overrule me. We often fight for silence. We often fight for our space. What we don't realize is that sometimes this silence and this space is not what is best for us. Kind of like wallowing in your sorrows, it is only okay for so long. On the days when I need the noise, I turn to TED TALKS. Ted talks have become a lifesaver for me. Things I would never research on my own, but interesting none the less. Opening my challenged mind to new ideas, new thoughts, new growth. Here is a link if you are interested in perusing them. https://www.ted.com/talks

Intentions

So I honestly believed that something in the cosmos has shifted and life is once again, less of a struggle. Something different I have noticed this time around is INTENTIONS. I am notorious for putting intentions out into the universe. Along the lines of thinking, if it is meant to be, these things will come to pass. Like most people, I used to believe it was coincidence when they would happen. Not this time around. For about a solid 2 weeks now, I have been starting my day with Intentions and continuing them thru the day. Each & every day one or more of my intentions has found it's way back to me in the form of tangibleness. Just to give you an example, our Burning Man tickets have not yet arrived. This is later than we are used to and I am trying not to panic. Today I did a google search for "Burning Man where are my tickets" after singing a little diddy to the tune of Insurance Man find me money(I know you've all seen that commercial with the fishing pole & purse). My version was Burning Man find me tickets! Needless to say, I logged into my email and sure enough...our tickets have been shipped! That is just one example of the many blessings that have stepped forward in my life in the last two weeks. I truly feel so blessed by all the goodness I am surrounded by.