Saturday, April 16, 2016

Megace..the saga continues......

Words of wisdom from my last post "accept that you will get miserable at some point. Try not to take it out on others."
I had an epic fail at those words of wisdom today. I took it out on my other half and I am still upset with myself about it. I was frustrated, aggravated and other feels that I don't have words for.

We've passed the 10 day mark for the megace withdrawal. The only thing that happened on day 10 was I realized I still needed the pain meds. Not until around day 12 was I able to start weaning myself to just an Aleve and Advil about every 6 hours. Trying to work my vitamins & other supplements back into rotation. I stopped them when I couldn't concentrate enough to get thru a day.


  • Birthday is a week away -- a fellow birthday mate suggested celebrating a 1/2 birthday in Oct. I like her idea. Having trouble getting into it. Scared at turning 44, scared at failing at dreams I've had all my life, scared at what the future holds. 
  • Consult for D&C is approximately 3 weeks away...Gosh that feels like such a long time away. That 3 weeks + however long til the D&C and than the results = how long this megace saga will continue. You see until I know that the precancerous cells are gone, I live in fear of this dreaded medicine and what more it means for me.
Reflecting on how much a hermit I have become and how many friends, who may count on me to send them cards, send them words of encouragement or just think of them are being let down if they are anticipating those things from me. Truthfully it is taking every fiber of my being to just get thru a day. The naps are still a daily thing. Jeans, I haven't seen a pair on me in months. 

Daily gratitude, daily frustration, daily blahs...they are all a part of the day. 

Friday, April 8, 2016

The Megace Saga continues :(

That's how I feel. 
My megace saga it turns out there is something called megace withdrawal. So along with having all of the fun things that can happen to you while on megace, I am now experiencing all the joys of megace withdrawal too. Haven't left the house in a week, haven't been to the office in a week, haven't made it much further than the couch or the bed for a week. 

But I'll back up for a minute. Last post I was frustrated I hadn't gotten a cycle yet. Well that came after a 5AM phone call to advise me that grams was in the hospital again. This time they said kidney failure. Well after a work day of stressing, crying, getting updates and just in general being worn turns out that communication in our family SUCKS and she was dehydrated. Not in kidney failure. Saturday morning I wake up feeling relieved that she is not knocking on deaths door, although she will be 91 years old. And I guess with all the stress and worry, it brought my cycle on. Hallelujah..I did a happy dance. I finally got a cycle. By Saturday afternoon, I was already frustrated with the cycle. Changed clothes 3 times, kept bleeding thru, was just plain uncomfortable. 

Sunday night, megace withdrawal strikes in full form. I am sick, so sick that I can't get comfortable. I try taking a bath, no relief, I try laying in bed, no relief. I am in so much pain that I am willing to consider going to the hospital. I have no idea what is wrong with me but the thoughts running thru my head are a ruptured ovary or twisted ovary. The pain is greater than and has lasted longer than my normal cyst burst. I feel like someone is stabbing me with a fork on the lower end and trying to pull my ovary out on the upper end. Thankfully a relative is a family doctor and will take a look at me. Rules out my appendix (eerie side note: my boss ended up in appendix surgery on early Wednesday). 
Gives me some pain meds. I've never had pain spike thru the pain meds....but it sure is now. Finally around midnight a slight amount of relief. 

Tuesday we head to the dr's office for an ultrasound. They want to check the ovary given my history of cysts. Report is that I have only one tiny cyst on the ovary. They are very excited as this is the smallest cyst they have ever seen on me & only one. (Woo Hoo for them!) I am still scared.  What the  heck is wrong with me? Why is it Tuesday and I am still in pain. I can't sit for very long. Dr comes in & he says I am the lucky recipient of megace withdrawal. Basically my lady bits are acting as if they are in labor & trying to expel everything that doesn't belong. The muscles are contracting & just don't know when to stop. I can expect this to go on for 6-10 days. Yippee! Just when I thought it was all over. He tries to assure me that this is a good thing and my body is reacting the way they want it to. He won't do the D&C any earlier than May. 

Today is Friday. I have not made it to the office at all this week. I have not worn a normal pair of pants in a week. PJ bottoms and tank tops are my best friends. The pups have not left my side. I have become very intimate with the couch, the bed and the bathtub. I have learned to lean on my better half for support. To allow him to help me with everyday chores and to ask when I need something. Sitting has increased from about a 2 hour window to now I can sit for about 5 hours before I need the pain med to get me thru the rest of the day. 

There have been a few tough lessons learned from this week. Don't assume that the next week is given to you. I planned to get my hair done this week, visit with my head boss from Minnesota while she is in, get all kinds of work done while we were in blackout. Learn to ask for help. I promise it's okay and won't make you weak. It was very hard to ask for help but the reassurance of my loving partner and the never ending question-What can I do for you? really helped. That and as I would try to do something for myself, like carrying a full laundry basket, he was right there to step in. Which was a great thing because I don't know if I could have taken the first step with that full laundry basket. Accept that you will get miserable at some point. Try not to take it out on others. Take naps, it's really okay. I would finish my work day, walk upstairs, lay on the bed to talk to my better half and within a 1/2 hour I was out like a light. Napped for an hour or two, got up and than I could finish the last few hours of the evening. Your body knows what it needs, listen to it. 

So all in all, April has not gotten off to a wonderful start. Grams went in the hospital, but she is home now and doing okay. I went into megace withdrawal and all it's wonderful symptoms. My boss (former co-worker/counterpart) went out at the same time as me for appendicitis. We joke that we've never made arrangements for both of us to go out at the same time. I didn't even realize it was my birthday month until my beautiful cousin sent me a note to remind me. Thankful for her as I have reflected on that statement several times over the last few days. I have to get better, it's my birthday month. I was born toward the end of the month so that I can CELEBRATE the whole month long! 

Something else I have decided during this megace withdrawal..I will be opting for the epidural if I end up getting pregnant. This was not fun at all.