Megace..the saga continues......

Words of wisdom from my last post "accept that you will get miserable at some point. Try not to take it out on others."
I had an epic fail at those words of wisdom today. I took it out on my other half and I am still upset with myself about it. I was frustrated, aggravated and other feels that I don't have words for.

We've passed the 10 day mark for the megace withdrawal. The only thing that happened on day 10 was I realized I still needed the pain meds. Not until around day 12 was I able to start weaning myself to just an Aleve and Advil about every 6 hours. Trying to work my vitamins & other supplements back into rotation. I stopped them when I couldn't concentrate enough to get thru a day.

Happenings:

• Birthday is a week away -- a fellow birthday mate suggested celebrating a 1/2 birthday in Oct. I like her idea. Having trouble getting into it. Scared at turning 44, scared at failing at dreams I've had all my life, scared at what the future holds. 

• Consult for D&C is approximately 3 weeks away...Gosh that feels like such a long time away. That 3 weeks + however long til the D&C and than the results = how long this megace saga will continue. You see until I know that the precancerous cells are gone, I live in fear of this dreaded medicine and what more it means for me.

Thoughts: 

Reflecting on how much a hermit I have become and how many friends, who may count on me to send them cards, send them words of encouragement or just think of them are being let down if they are anticipating those things from me. Truthfully it is taking every fiber of my being to just get thru a day. The naps are still a daily thing. Jeans, I haven't seen a pair on me in months. 

Daily gratitude, daily frustration, daily blahs...they are all a part of the day. 

The Megace Saga continues :(

:( 

:(

:( 

That's how I feel. 

My megace saga continues..so it turns out there is something called megace withdrawal. So along with having all of the fun things that can happen to you while on megace, I am now experiencing all the joys of megace withdrawal too. Haven't left the house in a week, haven't been to the office in a week, haven't made it much further than the couch or the bed for a week. 

But I'll back up for a minute. Last post I was frustrated I hadn't gotten a cycle yet. Well that came after a 5AM phone call to advise me that grams was in the hospital again. This time they said kidney failure. Well after a work day of stressing, crying, getting updates and just in general being worn down...it turns out that communication in our family SUCKS and she was dehydrated. Not in kidney failure. Saturday morning I wake up feeling relieved that she is not knocking on deaths door, although she will be 91 years old. And I guess with all the stress and worry, it brought my cycle on. Hallelujah..I did a happy dance. I finally got a cycle. By Saturday afternoon, I was already frustrated with the cycle. Changed clothes 3 times, kept bleeding thru, was just plain uncomfortable. 

Sunday night, megace withdrawal strikes in full form. I am sick, so sick that I can't get comfortable. I try taking a bath, no relief, I try laying in bed, no relief. I am in so much pain that I am willing to consider going to the hospital. I have no idea what is wrong with me but the thoughts running thru my head are a ruptured ovary or twisted ovary. The pain is greater than and has lasted longer than my normal cyst burst. I feel like someone is stabbing me with a fork on the lower end and trying to pull my ovary out on the upper end. Thankfully a relative is a family doctor and will take a look at me. Rules out my appendix (eerie side note: my boss ended up in appendix surgery on early Wednesday). 

Gives me some pain meds. I've never had pain spike thru the pain meds....but it sure is now. Finally around midnight a slight amount of relief. 

Tuesday we head to the dr's office for an ultrasound. They want to check the ovary given my history of cysts. Report is that I have only one tiny cyst on the ovary. They are very excited as this is the smallest cyst they have ever seen on me & only one. (Woo Hoo for them!) I am still scared.  What the  heck is wrong with me? Why is it Tuesday and I am still in pain. I can't sit for very long. Dr comes in & he says I am the lucky recipient of megace withdrawal. Basically my lady bits are acting as if they are in labor & trying to expel everything that doesn't belong. The muscles are contracting & just don't know when to stop. I can expect this to go on for 6-10 days. Yippee! Just when I thought it was all over. He tries to assure me that this is a good thing and my body is reacting the way they want it to. He won't do the D&C any earlier than May. 

Today is Friday. I have not made it to the office at all this week. I have not worn a normal pair of pants in a week. PJ bottoms and tank tops are my best friends. The pups have not left my side. I have become very intimate with the couch, the bed and the bathtub. I have learned to lean on my better half for support. To allow him to help me with everyday chores and to ask when I need something. Sitting has increased from about a 2 hour window to now I can sit for about 5 hours before I need the pain med to get me thru the rest of the day. 

There have been a few tough lessons learned from this week. Don't assume that the next week is given to you. I planned to get my hair done this week, visit with my head boss from Minnesota while she is in, get all kinds of work done while we were in blackout. Learn to ask for help. I promise it's okay and won't make you weak. It was very hard to ask for help but the reassurance of my loving partner and the never ending question-What can I do for you? really helped. That and as I would try to do something for myself, like carrying a full laundry basket, he was right there to step in. Which was a great thing because I don't know if I could have taken the first step with that full laundry basket. Accept that you will get miserable at some point. Try not to take it out on others. Take naps, it's really okay. I would finish my work day, walk upstairs, lay on the bed to talk to my better half and within a 1/2 hour I was out like a light. Napped for an hour or two, got up and than I could finish the last few hours of the evening. Your body knows what it needs, listen to it. 

So all in all, April has not gotten off to a wonderful start. Grams went in the hospital, but she is home now and doing okay. I went into megace withdrawal and all it's wonderful symptoms. My boss (former co-worker/counterpart) went out at the same time as me for appendicitis. We joke that we've never made arrangements for both of us to go out at the same time. I didn't even realize it was my birthday month until my beautiful cousin sent me a note to remind me. Thankful for her as I have reflected on that statement several times over the last few days. I have to get better, it's my birthday month. I was born toward the end of the month so that I can CELEBRATE the whole month long! 

Something else I have decided during this megace withdrawal..I will be opting for the epidural if I end up getting pregnant. This was not fun at all. 

The End of Megace!

Yep, still haven't found that box of gauze & surgical tape. Tried using some regular surgical tape, but the same reaction occurred that I get when I use regular band aid's. Basically it rips my skin apart. So I made do with other means.

The megace has come to an end! Hallelujah; High Praise; Happy Dance

I truly did not think I was going to make it for the last 2 months. More than once I thought & vocalized my desire to just stop the treatment and deal with whatever came of it. I have a great support system that talked me thru it and kept me on track. Although I am sure it was just as hard for them to keep supporting me as it was for me to stay on it.

I was so desperate to get the megace out of my system that I looked up the 1/2 life of megace and flushed with plenty of fluids. In case you ever need to know, the 1/2 life of megace is 34 hours.
So as of today I am 4 full days off the junk.

4 days off...here's my report:
Attitude is still suffering some.
Body is still exhausted
Still fighting for breath and strength
Weight has kept climbing.
I don't feel the need to eat non stop


Spoke to the dr's office the other day & the report just gets better & better. I was of the understanding that once I came off, I would have a cycle and bleed for an undetermined amount of time. Come to find out, being off the megace is similar to being on...they don't know what's going to happen. You may bleed, you may not. It may be horrible, it may be nothing.  Uncomprehendable to me, but it's the only answer I get.  D&C will be sometime in May and hopefully from there we will have some more definitive answers. 8 months of hurry up & wait.

So while I am struggling and packing on the pounds my dear significant other continues to drop the weight. Clothes no longer fit him so we are having to go out and buy a new wardrobe. I hope that my weight comes off and that I have to buy a new wardrobe too. I've had to buy a new "FAT" wardrobe. It mainly consists of skirts and tank tops. Can't stand anything around my waist.

Spring will be here this weekend!
Easter next weekend!
Things are looking up. I have always loved the Spring season. A time of growth & rebirth. I am happy  to have had the megace end in time for SPRING!

xoxo

Almost There

1 week tomorrow...that's the goal date..the end of the megace.

March 14th I have you in my sights!

For the first time in the last six months, I finally felt cold the other day. Rather than ripping clothes off and walking around in a tank top in 6 degree weather. It was such a wonderful feeling. The bummer of it is, we are in March, everyone is gearing up for spring. Taking their coats off, changing to lighter clothing. Me, someone who was so hot thru the whole winter, feels like winter is just beginning.

Another complication of the megace has been a flare up of my hidranitis. My best guess is the fluctuation of hormones is what is causing the hidranitis to flare. I just want to scream, enough is enough!

Today, in a fit to try and organize things, I cleaned the bathroom closet and tried to organize things. Apparently I did a terrific job. I am now in need of some gauze & surgical tape. While I clearly remember putting the surgical tape in a box with the gauze, I can't seem to find that box. I found a whole other box of gauze, but there is no tape in there. :)

Keeping it Close

I've always been a solitary fighter. Holding things close to the chest and now allowing other people in to help fight the battle.
 Why? I am not really sure. Could be the result of being raised an only child, yes I have siblings but they were raised separately. Could be the result of tragedies in an early life that taught me there are not many you can trust. Could come from having an alcoholic parent & the let downs associated with that.
What does any of that matter? It doesn't matter what the reasons are, the end result is that I am who I am. I fight how I fight. I learned independence early on and I've clung to it.

Infertility is not really a solitary battle. It is a battle that the couple trying to conceive takes on. It is not an easy battle and yet it is one not openly or easily shared either. Even communication amongst the infertile couple can at times be challenging. Your fighting a battle that doesn't have a reason, a rhyme or an answer. More than 1/2 of infertile couples will hear the words uttered "Undetermined Infertility" and nothing more we can do for you.
Roughly 1/3 of couples will be told that they just need to relax. Let me tell you relaxing is so much easier to prescribe than to do.
Many other infertile couples will not share their journey with their closest loved ones because they feel in some way they are disappointing their loved ones.
It's a long, drawn out process to find answers. Sometimes testing takes months or longer. When someone knows you are dealing with infertility it tends to define you and that is all they can think to ask about. As the infertile couple, that can be frustrating having it constantly reminded to you that you are fighting a battle. But you have to take it with a grain of salt and know that their intentions come with goodness and concern.

What other battles do I try to fight solitary? My depression and my struggles with those who disappoint me. In the end, my fight is not solitary. I crack and give in to the help offered to me all along, but it's a battle.

What advice can I offer you? Be aware that help is there for you, that people are willing to support you. Acknowledge their love for you and your appreciation for them supporting you. If it gets to be too much, learn to speak up. You don't have to spill the beans and tell them all of your struggles but simply say,  "that's a tough subject  for me to discuss but I appreciate your concern."   If they love you & want to support you, they will understand and will continue to be your strength.

Here's something I read on BOOK OF FACES that I want to write up for the house.
If you FAIL, never give up because F-A-I-L means "First Attempt In Learning"

END is not the end. In fact E-N-D means "Effort Never Dies" 

If you get NO as answer, remember N-O means "Next Opportunity"

Be Positive in 2016! 

How Blessed!

How blessed am I to have such an amazing chosen family, friends and just wonderful people in my life. It is January 4, 2016. As I prepare to start my gratitude jar for 2016, I can't help but be overwhelmed by all of the goodness and blessings in my life. The latter half of 2015 was a struggle for me and I am sure will continue over into parts of 2016, but in this moment, I am floating on a cloud of love, gratitude, happiness and sheer joy. Such an amazing feeling to experience. Such an amazing thing to ponder and realize that this life, the one we are in right now, is one that we've chosen for ourselves. We've designed our chosen family and our friends. They will lift us up when we need it most and we will do the same for them. Filled with Thankfulness on this Monday. xoxoxo