Keeping it Close

I've always been a solitary fighter. Holding things close to the chest and now allowing other people in to help fight the battle.
 Why? I am not really sure. Could be the result of being raised an only child, yes I have siblings but they were raised separately. Could be the result of tragedies in an early life that taught me there are not many you can trust. Could come from having an alcoholic parent & the let downs associated with that.
What does any of that matter? It doesn't matter what the reasons are, the end result is that I am who I am. I fight how I fight. I learned independence early on and I've clung to it.

Infertility is not really a solitary battle. It is a battle that the couple trying to conceive takes on. It is not an easy battle and yet it is one not openly or easily shared either. Even communication amongst the infertile couple can at times be challenging. Your fighting a battle that doesn't have a reason, a rhyme or an answer. More than 1/2 of infertile couples will hear the words uttered "Undetermined Infertility" and nothing more we can do for you.
Roughly 1/3 of couples will be told that they just need to relax. Let me tell you relaxing is so much easier to prescribe than to do.
Many other infertile couples will not share their journey with their closest loved ones because they feel in some way they are disappointing their loved ones.
It's a long, drawn out process to find answers. Sometimes testing takes months or longer. When someone knows you are dealing with infertility it tends to define you and that is all they can think to ask about. As the infertile couple, that can be frustrating having it constantly reminded to you that you are fighting a battle. But you have to take it with a grain of salt and know that their intentions come with goodness and concern.

What other battles do I try to fight solitary? My depression and my struggles with those who disappoint me. In the end, my fight is not solitary. I crack and give in to the help offered to me all along, but it's a battle.

What advice can I offer you? Be aware that help is there for you, that people are willing to support you. Acknowledge their love for you and your appreciation for them supporting you. If it gets to be too much, learn to speak up. You don't have to spill the beans and tell them all of your struggles but simply say,  "that's a tough subject  for me to discuss but I appreciate your concern."   If they love you & want to support you, they will understand and will continue to be your strength.

Here's something I read on BOOK OF FACES that I want to write up for the house.
If you FAIL, never give up because F-A-I-L means "First Attempt In Learning"

END is not the end. In fact E-N-D means "Effort Never Dies" 

If you get NO as answer, remember N-O means "Next Opportunity"

Be Positive in 2016! 

How Blessed!

How blessed am I to have such an amazing chosen family, friends and just wonderful people in my life. It is January 4, 2016. As I prepare to start my gratitude jar for 2016, I can't help but be overwhelmed by all of the goodness and blessings in my life. The latter half of 2015 was a struggle for me and I am sure will continue over into parts of 2016, but in this moment, I am floating on a cloud of love, gratitude, happiness and sheer joy. Such an amazing feeling to experience. Such an amazing thing to ponder and realize that this life, the one we are in right now, is one that we've chosen for ourselves. We've designed our chosen family and our friends. They will lift us up when we need it most and we will do the same for them. Filled with Thankfulness on this Monday. xoxoxo

My Megace Adventure

I'm going to take you on a little adventure. It's called the adventure of megace. Megace can be your lifesaver but at the same time it can be your worse enemy. Two simple little white pills. Pop 2 in the AM, pop 2 in the PM. That's it. That's all it takes to join this fun adventure. Megace is prescribed for many, many reasons. An appetite stimulant in those with challenges such as maintaining weight, no appetite, cancer, etc. It can be prescribed to combat endometrial dysplasia or cancers of the lady parts. I am sure it has many other uses as well. Here's where my adventure begins. Here are my side effects of megace and when all is said and done, why I will never take it again. I will consider a hysterectomy over megace. I am 3 months into my story on megace. Everyday is a struggle, a challenge. Remember I said, it's simply 2 little white pills in the AM and 2 in the PM..so that's not too much of a struggle. The struggle comes from the personality change, the horrible mood swings, the hot flashes, the night sweats, the anxiety, the constant need to have something food related in your mouth, not being able to get enough to drink, the weight gain, the having to get up in the middle of the night to pee and occasionally change your clothes because you are soaked. And those are just the big ticket items. The smaller items include breaking a crown from having to constantly be chewing on something, lack of sex drive-I mean zero, nada, nilch, the general overall feeling of demise, blah and ugh. Everyday when I swallow those simple 2 little white pills, I have to remind myself of the end goal, that I can get thru this. My health is at stake, my ability to have children is at stake. I have come too far on my infertility journey to stop now and just give up. 3 months ladies and gents. 1/2 way there yet still a long 3 months to go.

escape

On days when I can't seem to escape my own mind, It is on those days that I realize how much I need the noise, The noise to distract the thoughts that seek to invade me, Overrule me. We often fight for silence. We often fight for our space. What we don't realize is that sometimes this silence and this space is not what is best for us. Kind of like wallowing in your sorrows, it is only okay for so long. On the days when I need the noise, I turn to TED TALKS. Ted talks have become a lifesaver for me. Things I would never research on my own, but interesting none the less. Opening my challenged mind to new ideas, new thoughts, new growth. Here is a link if you are interested in perusing them. https://www.ted.com/talks

Intentions

So I honestly believed that something in the cosmos has shifted and life is once again, less of a struggle. Something different I have noticed this time around is INTENTIONS. I am notorious for putting intentions out into the universe. Along the lines of thinking, if it is meant to be, these things will come to pass. Like most people, I used to believe it was coincidence when they would happen. Not this time around. For about a solid 2 weeks now, I have been starting my day with Intentions and continuing them thru the day. Each & every day one or more of my intentions has found it's way back to me in the form of tangibleness. Just to give you an example, our Burning Man tickets have not yet arrived. This is later than we are used to and I am trying not to panic. Today I did a google search for "Burning Man where are my tickets" after singing a little diddy to the tune of Insurance Man find me money(I know you've all seen that commercial with the fishing pole & purse). My version was Burning Man find me tickets! Needless to say, I logged into my email and sure enough...our tickets have been shipped! That is just one example of the many blessings that have stepped forward in my life in the last two weeks. I truly feel so blessed by all the goodness I am surrounded by.

Reflections on Father's Day

So it wasn't until yesterday, that it occurred to me that it was Father's Day. We had spent the weekend at our first regional burning man event, Freeform. We had to return early so hubby could golf in a tournament with his dad. As we were making one of the final turns home, it hit me that it was Father's Day and I had not put a card in the mail for my stepfather. At first I was so upset with myself. How could I forget to put a card in the mail. Than I thought, well I'll send a text message to let him know I'm thinking about him and thanking him for being such an important person in my life. So I did just that. The day goes on, I'm unpacking stuff from our weekend, doing laundry to get it hung on the line and reflecting upon Father's Day and what Father's Day means to me. You see I have a father. He was active in my life until at one point he decided that I did not need to be a part of his life any longer. Every once in a while, I reach out. Sometimes I'll get a response back, other times I get nothing. My most recent contact was to send a copy of a drawing that his mother (my grandmother) had done at some point. I don't know if the drawing ever made it to him as he never sent a thank you or a hey it made it here. So as I reflected on Father's Day and read other's posts on facebook, I thought to myself, how can I turn a negative feeling into a positive one. I could have spent my time dwelling on the loss I feel at being cut out. As I am his only child & only daughter, one would think he would want to be a part of my life, even if only from a distance. Instead I chose to reflect upon the men in my life who have an impact on me. Who have touched my life in such positive ways. Who appreciate me and love me unconditionally and greet me with open arms every time I see them. Those thoughts brought such a happy smile to my face. I felt like the kisses from the sun were little blessings from these special men in my life. So I took a moment to sit down and send these special people in my life a simple text. Wishing them a happy father's day & thanking them for being such wonderful people & having such a special place in my life. I than reflected upon the wonderful man that chose me to be his wife. I thought about all the ways that he is special to me and our fur babies. I thought how I would love to write him out a father's day card and thank him but knew he would think that was corny. So instead I decided to surprise him with a dinner from the fur babies and I. Turns out the fur babies and I picked just the right thing. As he arrived home from a long day of golfing (I guess 5 hours is long in golf timing), we surprised him with his favorite wings & pizza for a special Father's day dinner. He still thought it was corny when I wished him a Happy Father's Day from the fur babies & I and wanted to know why I was being so mushy...but his face lit up when he heard how much we appreciate him. So to all the men out there who are father's by choice, I wish you a happy belated father's day. Wether you are a father to a fur baby, a human baby, a father to a child not yours, a father to a friend who needs a caring soul you are a blessed being. I wish you light & love. -Cheers-

Memories with Grandma

I love talking to my grandmother and visiting her memories. Today I had the pleasure of talking to her on the phone. I love our phone chats because she tells me things that she wouldn't tell me in person. Today she told me that 6/6/14 would have been her 72nd wedding anniversary. I remember as a child growing up, hearing stories that she met my grandfather & a week later they were married. My grandmother was 16 when they married and my grandfather was 40. Today I was asking about how fast of a courtship it was that they met and were married. She said that is not entirely true, that my grandfather was dating her friend Mildred. One day Mildred said to her, did he ask you to marry him? Grandma answered yes. Mildred responded, I'm going to go jump in the lake. Grandma's response was, well go right on ahead & jump in the lake. We laughed and laughed at that memory. I marvelled at what it would be like to be married for 72 years. I smiled at the memories I have of my grandfather. I listen with amazement when she tells me stories that I never heard as a kid. Stories about a newly married couple trying to make their first home. Stories of a young woman, bearing children, hobknobbing with the big names, losing a child (stillborn), raising 9 children. Being a woman who raised such an amazingly large family 9 children, (this next part is my best recollection) 42 grandchildren, 23 great grandchildren and I think she is up to 13 great great grandchildren.