Changing of the Guard

I can't go back to yesterday

Because I was a different person than. 

-Lewis Carroll-

Since we left our family in Texas in January, two of our dear loved ones have passed on.

My heart aches at their loss. At knowing I will never see their smile again. At realizing when we said good bye it was for the last time.

My heart smiles because I got to know them. Because I had the opportunity to love them. Because I am a better person because my life was touched by them. My heart smiles because both of them welcomed us with open arms into their lives and loved us with all their being.

I realize that time goes on, that things change and that new relationships will be formed. But my heart will never forget the touch these two people put on it.

I broke down in tears when I had to relay the news and as the person on the other end told me, you have to remember we are getting older and we've expanded our circle of family, we are going to be touched by more life and more death. In looking at it that way, I will take the pain and sorrow because I would never trade my expanded life.

I love you all.


a piece of home

Veterans Day--Thank you for your service

This is a two part post.
One to thank all of my family & friends who have served our country. Thank you for your service, thank you for your duty, thank you for our freedom. This goes to my brother, my stepfather, my nephew, my uncles, my cousins, my friends near & far.





I can remember being a small girl, getting ready for the parades. My grandmother always had a red poppy for me. Nowadays I can't seem to find them anywhere, but they hold a special memory for me.

The second part of my post is to remember my brother David Alan. I remember being a kid and looking up to him in many ways. He was a tall kid, a gentle soul and very kind hearted. He was often mistaken for a fighter because of his size. And I believe he was naive and often misguided by others. 

While I don't remember the day he told my mom he joined the Army, I do remember sending him off to boot camp and than his return home from boot camp. What a change had taken place. I remember being even more proud of my brother. And than watching him march in the Veteran's Day parade, the proud look on his face.  

1986 was a year for our family. Dave was in an accident that crushed his forearm. It required multiple surgeries, drains and alot of pain.  I started high school. My sister was married in September, Dave committed suicide in November and by December we had sold two houses, packed up our belongs and moved across the country from Pennsylvania to New Mexico.

My brother was 19 years old when he took his life. I guess he felt that he could not endure anymore pain in this life. For the short 14 years that I knew him, he left a lasting impression on me. We had to work harder than others at our relationship as we did not grow up in the same house.  Dave made sure I did not want for the typical brother/sister taunting & teasing, but  he also made sure I knew that I was loved and had a special place in his life.  

So while most remember the Veterans on Veterans Day, for me it is a double memory day. I think about the Veterans and thank them for the service but I also think about my brother and thank him for taking up a space in my life that I still hold close to my heart.  

Hawks

Yesterday was a week since our friend earned his angel wings. 

My day felt eerily similar to that day a week ago, I was in the same place, at the same time, that the phone call came in. I anticipated a bad phone call that thankfully never came. 

What did come has left me smiling and being thankful. On my ride home, I was trying to recollect how I got myself home a week ago. The tears were overwhelming, I had lifted my glasses for most of the drive. Surely an angel had to guide my car home that day. As I entered the Cross Valley, I saw a most beautiful sight. Gliding past me was the most beautiful, big wing span, hawk. I smiled with delight. I don't see hawks very often and when they do, I smile. I marveled at what an amazing site this hawk was gliding & floating near a major cross road. (Not that the hawk knew it was a major cross road, it's near the river.) 

Today I was coming up the driveway. I slowed on the hill for a chipmunk who seemed undecided on which way he/she would go. Than I took a moment to look to the side for the momma bear & 3 cubs that we had spotted on Friday evening. I did not see the momma & cubs so I started along again. Very shortly I was greeted by another most beautiful sight. A hawk, taking flight from the ground. The hawk did not seemed bothered by me and was not in a hurry to get away from me. In fact, the hawk flew to a tree and settled in to watch me. So I slowly backed the car up some and sat there in awe. I wondered if perhaps the hawk was looking for food or waiting for me to leave so it could go back to it's found treasure. The hawk never took it's eyes off me. 

We held a stare for a few moments, the hawk & I. I thanked the hawk for bringing me a message and told him/her that I appreciated it. Than I cried. I cried because I knew the hawk had been sent to me. I knew the hawk had a message. You see in my 14 years on the hill, I've never had the personal encounter of a hawk so close. Often I can watch them from thru the window on the side porch or gliding off in the field, but never up close and never have they just stopped to watch me. I did not wait for the hawk to take off, I slowly started rolling the car to my parking spot. I never looked back, didn't feel the need to. 

I have not found a true trust in my instincts & feelings, so when I got home I googled it. I knew that what I felt was right, but needed reassurance. I found it. The hawk is a messenger. 

That's all she wrote...

Goodbyes

Tomorrow we will say our final goodbyes to a very dear friend. A man who was a father, a businessman, a lover and a hard worker.

Daughter & Father

The tears no longer freely fall.  I think I exhausted them when I heard the news.

Today was the viewing for this awesome man. A 5 hour viewing and if I had to guess, I would say more than 1000 people passed thru that church. He touched the lives of many and that was displayed today. By the outpouring, by the love and by the fact that the majority of people coming to the viewing were jovial. You see my friend lived his life the way he wanted. In doing so, he not only made himself happy, but those around him happy as well. Many smiles were shared today.

I am truly honored to have been asked to photograph the viewing & funeral. It was something I felt a tug to do, but how do you approach someone to ask? Probably to the average person it sounds morbid. But to me it is an honor. It was also an honor to see a couple of my pictures among the many that they had put together for our dear friend.

Yes, I may walk around with a camera in my hand, I may catch you off guard or when you don't look your best. But guess what....photographs are memories and someday, your going to wish you had those memories, candid, loving, snarling memories.

Embrace your friends and tell them you care about them. Hold your family & pets a little tighter. Take time to stop & smell the roses. Life really is a present every day.

He died doing what he loved. This is an example of his passion for his work.

RIP Miss Lucy

Yet another one of our critters has crossed the rainbow bridge.

Miss Lucy has been my friend since we brought her here in 1999. She was a shy, timid cat who took to me and I felt very honored.

Today, Miss Lucy honored me once again by allowing me to be with her while she journeyed across the rainbow bridge.

She was just some of these things:
 -my storm buddy
 -my morning shower buddy
 -my climber
 -my mouse catcher
 -my sit on the scale until you check my weight.

She taught my husband to give her wanted she wanted. Be it treats, food, water or turning on the sink faucet for a drink. She taught him well.

Thank you for all you have given me. The light in me honors the light in you.

Spring Laden

Definition of Laden: Weighed down with a load; heavy:

Most people associate Spring with thoughts of rebirth, growth, nourishment, beauty.

This morning as I looked around at all the trees, took in the morning air, contemplated my current situation in life, I determined Spring is a laden season.  



The trees are laden with the buds waiting to burst open. 
The flowers are laden with petals awaiting something to come relieve them of their pollen. 
The grass is laden with the morning dew. 
The air is laden with the scents of pollen, from multiple sources. 
The birds are laden with the morning sunshine hitting their wings, waking them up, causing them to sing. 
I, myself, am laden with the knowledge that yet another pet is getting ready to cross the rainbow bridge. My heart is heavy, my soul is worn, my mind is tired.