escape

On days when I can't seem to escape my own mind, It is on those days that I realize how much I need the noise, The noise to distract the thoughts that seek to invade me, Overrule me. We often fight for silence. We often fight for our space. What we don't realize is that sometimes this silence and this space is not what is best for us. Kind of like wallowing in your sorrows, it is only okay for so long. On the days when I need the noise, I turn to TED TALKS. Ted talks have become a lifesaver for me. Things I would never research on my own, but interesting none the less. Opening my challenged mind to new ideas, new thoughts, new growth. Here is a link if you are interested in perusing them. https://www.ted.com/talks

Intentions

So I honestly believed that something in the cosmos has shifted and life is once again, less of a struggle. Something different I have noticed this time around is INTENTIONS. I am notorious for putting intentions out into the universe. Along the lines of thinking, if it is meant to be, these things will come to pass. Like most people, I used to believe it was coincidence when they would happen. Not this time around. For about a solid 2 weeks now, I have been starting my day with Intentions and continuing them thru the day. Each & every day one or more of my intentions has found it's way back to me in the form of tangibleness. Just to give you an example, our Burning Man tickets have not yet arrived. This is later than we are used to and I am trying not to panic. Today I did a google search for "Burning Man where are my tickets" after singing a little diddy to the tune of Insurance Man find me money(I know you've all seen that commercial with the fishing pole & purse). My version was Burning Man find me tickets! Needless to say, I logged into my email and sure enough...our tickets have been shipped! That is just one example of the many blessings that have stepped forward in my life in the last two weeks. I truly feel so blessed by all the goodness I am surrounded by.

Reflections on Father's Day

So it wasn't until yesterday, that it occurred to me that it was Father's Day. We had spent the weekend at our first regional burning man event, Freeform. We had to return early so hubby could golf in a tournament with his dad. As we were making one of the final turns home, it hit me that it was Father's Day and I had not put a card in the mail for my stepfather. At first I was so upset with myself. How could I forget to put a card in the mail. Than I thought, well I'll send a text message to let him know I'm thinking about him and thanking him for being such an important person in my life. So I did just that. The day goes on, I'm unpacking stuff from our weekend, doing laundry to get it hung on the line and reflecting upon Father's Day and what Father's Day means to me. You see I have a father. He was active in my life until at one point he decided that I did not need to be a part of his life any longer. Every once in a while, I reach out. Sometimes I'll get a response back, other times I get nothing. My most recent contact was to send a copy of a drawing that his mother (my grandmother) had done at some point. I don't know if the drawing ever made it to him as he never sent a thank you or a hey it made it here. So as I reflected on Father's Day and read other's posts on facebook, I thought to myself, how can I turn a negative feeling into a positive one. I could have spent my time dwelling on the loss I feel at being cut out. As I am his only child & only daughter, one would think he would want to be a part of my life, even if only from a distance. Instead I chose to reflect upon the men in my life who have an impact on me. Who have touched my life in such positive ways. Who appreciate me and love me unconditionally and greet me with open arms every time I see them. Those thoughts brought such a happy smile to my face. I felt like the kisses from the sun were little blessings from these special men in my life. So I took a moment to sit down and send these special people in my life a simple text. Wishing them a happy father's day & thanking them for being such wonderful people & having such a special place in my life. I than reflected upon the wonderful man that chose me to be his wife. I thought about all the ways that he is special to me and our fur babies. I thought how I would love to write him out a father's day card and thank him but knew he would think that was corny. So instead I decided to surprise him with a dinner from the fur babies and I. Turns out the fur babies and I picked just the right thing. As he arrived home from a long day of golfing (I guess 5 hours is long in golf timing), we surprised him with his favorite wings & pizza for a special Father's day dinner. He still thought it was corny when I wished him a Happy Father's Day from the fur babies & I and wanted to know why I was being so mushy...but his face lit up when he heard how much we appreciate him. So to all the men out there who are father's by choice, I wish you a happy belated father's day. Wether you are a father to a fur baby, a human baby, a father to a child not yours, a father to a friend who needs a caring soul you are a blessed being. I wish you light & love. -Cheers-

Memories with Grandma

I love talking to my grandmother and visiting her memories. Today I had the pleasure of talking to her on the phone. I love our phone chats because she tells me things that she wouldn't tell me in person. Today she told me that 6/6/14 would have been her 72nd wedding anniversary. I remember as a child growing up, hearing stories that she met my grandfather & a week later they were married. My grandmother was 16 when they married and my grandfather was 40. Today I was asking about how fast of a courtship it was that they met and were married. She said that is not entirely true, that my grandfather was dating her friend Mildred. One day Mildred said to her, did he ask you to marry him? Grandma answered yes. Mildred responded, I'm going to go jump in the lake. Grandma's response was, well go right on ahead & jump in the lake. We laughed and laughed at that memory. I marvelled at what it would be like to be married for 72 years. I smiled at the memories I have of my grandfather. I listen with amazement when she tells me stories that I never heard as a kid. Stories about a newly married couple trying to make their first home. Stories of a young woman, bearing children, hobknobbing with the big names, losing a child (stillborn), raising 9 children. Being a woman who raised such an amazingly large family 9 children, (this next part is my best recollection) 42 grandchildren, 23 great grandchildren and I think she is up to 13 great great grandchildren.

Morning Thoughts

While my babies are all nestled in bed with their dad. I have the pleasure of some quiet time to myself for reading and observation. While my babies are tucked in snuggling, I have the please of watching the creatures outside play. From the pair of robins that fly to & fro, chasing one another from branch to porch & back. To the chipmunk, posing on the railroad tie and taking in the morning sun. Almost as if in Mountain Pose. Squirrels running back & forth on the pool fence, more playing than looking for goodies, I assume. To the momma bird, that has her nest just outside our door, coming to the side porch in search of things to feed her babies that just hatched two days ago. I wander over to my garden, freshly tilled and awaiting new plants. Stop to smell my herbs and marvel at how they flourish. I feel the sun kissing my face and shoulders. I say a silent thank you to all that is and all that I have become. I love this life that is mine. I love this home that we have made. I, just simply, LOVE!

Nature in our Piece of the Woods

Nature's animals are coming to our piece of the woods this year.

I've lived here for 15 years and look forward to certain things every year. Spring Peepers, signaling that winter is over. The bold redness of the male cardinal followed by the muted red of his mate. The hummingbirds making daily AM & PM visits to the feeder and buzzing me when I've taken too long filling the feeder or just buzzing me to say hello while I sit outside on the patio enjoying them. Finches in the finch house, easily viewed from the kitchen window. Deer bringing their doe to frollick. Squirrels running the pool fence in such a playful manner.

In 15 years I can tell you one thing I've never seen in our woods & that is turtles. This year our youngest pup found one & brought it home. We are still baffled where she found. But she did & she didn't hurt it. Here's some pictures. We were probably more excited at her find than her.

first turtle in 15 years 

pup and her new found treasure

In addition, while we usually have nests around the house, they are normally higher up. Around the rain gutter/chimney curve. But this year, the beautiful momma chose to honor us by setting up her nest in the plant we bought my mother in law for mother's day. I had seen momma bird hanging around near the hosta plant and thought it was odd because that was within the dogs reach. When I would sit outside & watch her, she would try to bring my attention away from the hosta. Tonight her timing wasn't so good & my mother in law caught her coming out of the non stop begonia that we bought her this year. I didn't want to disturb her nest so I only caught one picture.

This is the non stop begonia

The Babies still in their eggs.

Changing of the Guard

I can't go back to yesterday

Because I was a different person than. 

-Lewis Carroll-

Since we left our family in Texas in January, two of our dear loved ones have passed on.

My heart aches at their loss. At knowing I will never see their smile again. At realizing when we said good bye it was for the last time.

My heart smiles because I got to know them. Because I had the opportunity to love them. Because I am a better person because my life was touched by them. My heart smiles because both of them welcomed us with open arms into their lives and loved us with all their being.

I realize that time goes on, that things change and that new relationships will be formed. But my heart will never forget the touch these two people put on it.

I broke down in tears when I had to relay the news and as the person on the other end told me, you have to remember we are getting older and we've expanded our circle of family, we are going to be touched by more life and more death. In looking at it that way, I will take the pain and sorrow because I would never trade my expanded life.

I love you all.


a piece of home

Reversing Patterns

I was going to label this "change is hard" but most of us already know that. Change from hot weather to cold weather, change from youth to adulthood, change in jobs, etc, etc, etc.

Reversing Patterns...that is proving to be difficult.
Patterns, guidelines that you were given to live your life.
You know what I'm talking about, if you live a good life good things will come back to you. If you are a good person, people will be good to you. If you do everything that you are supposed, good rewards will be yours.

Just in case you still believe all of that above, it's not true!

Do you feel better knowing that you are a good person? Yes!
Do you feel better knowing that you did good deeds? Yes!

But that doesn't mean that life will be fair to you or other people will reply in kind.

Unfortunately for me, learning that life is not fair is proving a tough lesson. And it's not that life owes me anything, it doesn't. I just feel (believe) that because I put good out into the world, I should get good back.

None of us knows what plan in life we signed up for before we got here, but gosh (in a daydreaming kind of way) it would be great for people like me to be able to get a glimpse. To not have to feel such let down because you would know that your highest hopes and dreams either are to be or not.
But that is not a possibility and so I will have to reverse my patterns, learn a new way to live my life.

I will still do the things that make me a good person, I will still continue good deeds,  but I will have to learn a way to train my brain to stop expecting the good rewards from others.

Closing Doors

Close some doors,

not because of 

Pride, Incapacity, 

or Arrogance, but 

simply because

they no longer lead

somewhere. 

-Paulo Coelho-

Never have truer words been written. 

Never have truer words resonated within me. 

Sometimes you just need to be open to listening to the truer words. 

Paulo Coelho is an amazing author. Our local beer distributor turned me onto him a few years back. Who would have imagined you go in to buy beer and end up having great life conversations that lead you on new paths. 

I read the books with fervor, wanting to absorb all that I could.  Than a few more years go bye and at our first burning man, I meet a man who has taken the pilgrimage and followed in Paulo's steps. Life is funny and really does have a way of pushing you in the directions you need. 

I am starting the practice of closing some doors. I sometimes question my actions and wheter they are for the right reasons, but when you have determine that the door no longer leads somewhere it is time to close it. When the path behind the door is toxic, it is time to close it. 

Growth can only come from change and change comes from making space for the things that nourish you, the people that encourage you, and living the life that you know is right for you. 

-Cheers-

Changes, Empowerment, Growth, Rebuild

Something has shifted.
Something has changed.
Growth is afoot.
A new me is being reborn.

I feel like a dark veil has been lifted from over me.
For the last few years, I have felt depressed, held back, AFRAID.
Afraid to try new things, afraid to go places, afraid to let others see who I am.

Something has changed and a weight has been lifted.
Here in the dead of winter...
I am finding myself no longer hindering myself.
Going out and doing things that not too long ago would cripple me with fear.

Don't get me wrong. It was not an overnight transformation. I am still battling the demons that try to overcome me.

Today I struggled for a bit with my fear of driving in the snow. I knew I wanted to get out and get some stuff done, but was afraid of the snow. Rather than trying to fight it, belittle myself for being so ridiculous and than wallowing in darkness. I decided to acknowledge the fear, allow it some space and than moved on to a pampering ritual. With a few short hours, a calmness had returned and I decided to tackle my fear. I made it out, down the driveway, onto the road and to the places that I needed to go. I didn't wreck the car, didn't spin out, didn't slide into any parking spaces. Everything I had feared had not happened.

I am not sure what brought about this change, perhaps cleansing some unnecessary items and people from my life. I like it, I think I'll embrace it for a while.

Compassion

I am such a lucky gal to have married an amazing man.
A man with a heart of gold.
A man who would give you the shirt off his back.
A man who gives selflessly and asks for nothing in return.
My girls and I are so very lucky to have him in our lives.

My life is difficult at times as I am an empath and can deeply feel others emotions, pain & joy.
I am easily overwhelmed by others emotions and have trouble controlling it. Probably why I appear to cry so easily.

Today the compassion that you exhibited, overwhelmed me. I am thankful for your gesture, no matter how small it may have seemed to you. I know that the creature felt your compassion and is thanking you as well for your selfless act.

You are a gem. I love you!